There were plenty of nights when I questioned whether I was doing enough or getting anything right. Looking back now, I can trace everything that happened to a single decision I made on an ordinary October evening.
The porch light flickered in October, casting a thin yellow ring on the wood. I came home from a double shift smelling of sawdust and motor oil, with my front door keys already in my hand, and almost tripped over them.
Three car seats, one diaper bag, and a note written on a gas receipt.
I picked up the receipt first because my brain refused to look at what was inside the car seats. My brother Daniel's handwriting appeared slanted hard to the right, the way it always did.
I came home from a double shift.
"I'm sorry, Noah. I can't do this."
That was it. No forwarding address or phone number.
Daniel's wife, Patricia, had been buried 11 days earlier. My brother had lasted less than two weeks.
I was 27, unmarried, and living above the hardware store where I swept floors and cut keys. I had exactly $312 in my checking account and a futon that didn't fold all the way out.
One of the triplets made a sound, a soft, wet hiccup, as if she were trying to be polite.
My brother had lasted less than two weeks.
I knelt on the porch boards. Two little faces were asleep, except for the smallest one, who was staring at me with eyes the same gray as my mother's.
"Hey," I whispered. "Hey, you."
Right then, Mrs. Hunter came out of the unit next door in her bathrobe, her slippers slapping the concrete. She'd been my neighbor for six years and never once minded her business, which, that night, turned out to be a mercy.
Two little faces were asleep.
***
Patricia had brought the triplets by twice that summer, and Mrs. Hunter had sat on the porch cooing over them while their mother rattled off names and birth weights like a proud drill sergeant.
***
"Noah? What in the world?!"
"It's Daniel's triplets."
"Where is he?!"
"Gone."
She looked at the note, looked at me, then pressed her hand flat against her chest.
"What in the world?!"
"Honey, you can't raise three babies alone!"
"I know!"
